Today I feel like talking, though. Let's see. Today is what would have been my 11 year wedding anniversary. It is the second anniversary "celebration" I've had since Jove died. Last year's was unbearable with the kind of crying that leaves you exhausted afterward...the kind you need to take a nap afterward. This year has gone considerably smoother. I am just in a funk....kind of grumpy with my kids (why did they have to give them this day off of school? I wanted very much to have some alone time today!), kind of feeling a little down, not sure how much I want to let myself feel sad....Luckily, because being in school successfully sucks up most of my time, I have that distraction to fall back on. Unfortunately, most of the time I am cursing the fact that I have school as a distraction. It is such a time-stealer. In fact, I'm going to take just two classes in the spring and then give myself a break again. I am not managing my kids, my school work, and my jobs very well at all. The kids are still doing well, I am still holding on to my 4.0, my boss has been kind enough to allow me a short reprieve on my work until after finals (but that means less money when I "need" it most for Christmas) but, oh the things that are suffering just to appease my perfectionistic tendencies! I haven't sat down and played a game with the kids in sooo long! I haven't seen my grandson as much as I want to and was able to do when he was first born. My house is surface-clean but needs to be deep-cleaned. I need time to remove the clutter. My workouts are inconsistent. I forget my commitments sometimes. Basically, my family and volunteer work is taking a backseat to work and school and that does not make me happy. Do I have a solution worked out? Not yet but I'm working on it....
My new relationship with Dan is going well (and I don't think he'd mind me saying so). The fact is that it is exactly what we (the kids and I) need now and it is working. One thing we struggled with was when I told him I needed him to embrace Jove like a friend rather than a competitor. He thought that was odd and unrealistic but I can see a greater effort on his part recently and that, in turn, makes me feel more connected to him for making that effort. Maybe it sounds weird but I need to talk about Jove so I need a partner that can laugh with me when I tell something stupid we used to do or understand enough about him to know why I hurt when I think of my loss. I don't know that we will ever get to the point where we sit around the campfire telling 'Jove stories' but I appreciate him bringing his name up once in awhile to ask a question and he always listens when I need to talk. I feel like he might be able to handle this situation, after all. Having Dan in my life most certainly distracts me positively. When I have the option of staying down and feeling the sadness, I know I have someone that makes me happy and I can retrain my thoughts to think about the blessings in my life rather than the losses. Now if only I can get two important men in my life to accept this new relationship, I'd feel more at peace with it. I need to remind myself, though, that the peace doesn't come from having others accept me or my choices.....that is a hard lesson to remember, though.
A little update: It's been a month since camp and both my kids are still keeping in touch with their "bigs" from camp. They are doing well with school (all A's for both!), Jakhari's hockey team has won all but one game, I believe, and he's racked up a few shutouts (for all you non-hockey fans, that means, as a goaltender, he was able to save all the shots taken on him for an entire game), Zhanri continues to perform with the Ohio Youth Ballet and was just given a special move that showcases her flexibility and gracefulness at the end of a new routine. She is very excited! They are my gauge to see how we are doing and we are all doing well.
Today, we got a cupcake and went to "celebrate" our anniversary with Jove at the cemetery. You would think that would have helped my grumpiness but no. The kids and I talk about how cruel our tradition seems as we eat yummy treats and he gets nothing. If I think too hard when we are there, I start to get sad so we never stay long. We just stay enough so that we take a moment to think of him and the kids then race from a particular spot down to the car and we leave. I'm happy they are comfortable going there because I like making the effort to focus our thoughts on him regularly together with no distractions.
With the holidays here, I know things get so difficult for lots of people, but especially for those remembering a loved one that has passed on. I think it is a great reminder to just slow down this holiday season and if someone is acting in a way that irritates you or is confusing to you, remember that it is possible they are struggling with a loss of someone close to them or maybe financial difficulties...be slow to judge or, better yet, leave the judging to God and just be understanding and selfless this season. I needed that reminder myself today so I thought I'd share :)
Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful my life is filled with love, memories, support, acceptance, trust, optimism, and hope.