When I had to stand there and receive the receiving line, it was numbing. I remember I could smile and laugh but nothing was really registering. I even remember a joke I said. Meanwhile, I wanted my kids with me but they wanted no part of the line so they were safely hiding away in the food/game room. I felt OBLIGATED. You may not feel that, of course. There's definitely a part that is awesome...you get to hear people talk about how awesome your husband is and every loving wife likes to hear that. However, I just wanted to NOT be standing there receiving this tribute, this attention (eyes are watching to see how you are doing which is expected but really, really annoying)...I wanted to go be with my kids huddled up doing....nothing. Something. It didn't matter. I know it felt great to be so cared for and loved...but I think what comes with those good feelings is realizing WHY people are making you feel that way. The reality of why you are standing there is what starts to hit...just a little. After that night of receiving friends and family, I went home and realized I had broken out in hives. Was it from someone's perfume that I had hugged or just from the magnitude of the stress?!? Who knows? I just know that I was worried about that, too, then. There is so much more I felt....your losing Steve, the love of your life, is bringing back all my memories of Jove. Please just do what's best for you and your girls. Rest when you need rest. You probably won't eat (I lost a crazy amount of weight in days) or maybe you will eat too much (another widow friend's experience) but just put you and your girls first. Don't worry about making others feel your gratitude. Don't worry about writing thank you notes. Just be what you need to be in the moment...it's okay to be selfish right now. It's called self-preservation and it's necessary. You are a strong woman and you will be okay. So will your girls. Hugs and prayers for you today and every single day moving forward....Carly
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AuthorThis is my attempt to let you into my new life. It's sorta like my old life only I'm a little more introspective, a lot more realistic, a bit more cautious and, yet, more willing to risk it! This widowhood throws you for a loop and it takes awhile to figure out how you want to handle it. You can read about how it's going for me if you want... Archives
January 2017
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