So I've noticed something the last few months. It's a dullness that has overshadowed the sharpness I normally felt when reflecting on my memories of Jove. In the past, I could get worked up quite easily and, without much effort or reflection time, could find myself smack dab in the middle of a sea of turbulent emotions and memories. I often felt those times allowed me to think about certain more painful memories as a way to stay connected, make sure I still FELT, remember Jove "enough", etc...Now, even when I purposefully scroll through hundreds of pictures of my late husband, it takes me longer to get to that emotionally turbulent place. I still feel, though, and I definitely remember. I just feel the memories are less jagged and painful. Though that sounds like a great thing, I am fearful of what that means for my future. I pray it doesn't mean that they will continue to erode, someday leaving me completely. I want my memories for my entire lifetime. I may not be able to control Jove being here or not but I certainly should be able to control whether he resides in my heart and mind, darnit!
Obviously, I am going to continue forward as I know that that is the best thing for the kids and I. I just can't help but wonder if the dullness I'm feeling is permanent and foreboding. As I type that, I realize that, like my wedding ring that I wear around my middle finger was once shiny and new, it often is in dire need of a good cleaning. Time did a good job of wearing down the shine but it only takes a bit of effort and attention to clean that ring up and bring back the brilliance. I think my memories will be like that, too. They seem dull until I give them some attention and effort. I need to place myself back in the situation sometimes, take my time in remembering the feelings associated with the situation, and I betcha I start to see the brilliance in my past memories as clearly as I see the brilliance now, as we look to our new future....